I have such a backlog of knits to post about, so much schoolwork to do, and so much social-catching-up to do that I’m mighty overwhelmed right now. Those socks up there? Finished about a week ago. I don’t have a proper photo of them, yet, so until that day, this will have to suffice. This semester has been very challenging while also being less than rewarding. I normally enjoy slaving over research for school, but this time around, it has just been tedious and frustrating.
To make matters worse, I’m facing some terrible form of social anxiety right now that is crippling me. At work I’m forced into constant contact with people and I struggle with the witty banter and small talk that comes so easily to others. It’s easier in an atmosphere like that, because I know that I instantly have something in common with everyone who comes into the store, but even so, I worry, for some inexplicable reason, that I am just not interesting enough to talk to, or that whatever I have to say has no value.
That’s just the tip of the iceberg, though: I can’t even talk to or spend time with my closest friends lately. One of my best friends lives a mere block away, and we’ve known each other for years, and last night I missed her birthday party because I was nervous about being surrounded by her new friends who I feel are leagues more intelligent than I am. I upset her tremendously by not coming, and think that after a run of similar instances, she’s fed up and done—and like that, another friendship bites the dust. Another great friend at home has incredible patience with me and still talks with me after all this time, after all the times I was home and didn’t stop by to say hello. I don’t know why he does it…maybe he understands where I’m coming from. I don’t know. But I just can’t get myself to put my insecurities aside and just spend time with people, aside from Scott. Needless to say, if I can’t face going out with friends I’ve had for years, little progress is being made with new friends. I don’t know what my problem is.
The solution, thus far, has been to just sit and knit and read quietly and enjoy the little world I’m living in. This semester of worries and insecurities has led to a most prolific string of finishing, in terms of books and projects fallen to the wayside. I guess that would be the silver lining to this whole mess. Now, back to writing about Lee Krasner and dreaming about New York in the 1940s…